Everything Happens For a Reason......

I was so excited to be starting a brand new chapter in my life, well not only my life but ta huge change for lives of my son and husband, but I guess I got way to excited way to early. I dont want to say I jinxed myself but in a way that is exactally how I feel...I shouldnt have said any thing.... i shouldnt have even taken a test yet....but i did....and i knew from the first second....i was pregnant....now im not....and all i have are my own thoughts....most of which are against me any way... i know it wasnt "my fault" or anyone else for that matter but i can only blame myself....my body for not letting this baby grow.....i know there were probably "conditions beyond my control" but that isn't good enough for me.... i should be in control of my own body.....i knew you where there and that is what is making this so hard for me...if i would have just waited to test then maybe i would have never known....but i do know and it is killing me....

BUT!! I have an amazing son here with me and i need to think of him, its not good for him to see me sad, or upset with myself, so i need to stop....and hold in my feelings untill i can calmly dispose of them by myself.....
X-my mind is in mayhem-X

where does the time go?

i cant believe it!! My baby boy is one year old today....he is such a little man it amazes me everyday. i know every one always says "it seems like just yesterday" but it relly does, one someone depends on you like babies do, your time stands still....like your in shock....how can this perfect little thing love me so much, better yet how can this little thing be so perfect? motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he saved my life... i dont know what i would do with out him.
i remember the day he was born, 2 am i drove myself to the hospital 5:16 am i held my baby for the first time, the best thing that has happend in my life except for the August 1st 2009 when i said i do to my amazing husband!!! today i am loving myself because of all the love i have for my family....today i feel like i did things right no matter what

regrets.....

 i don't want to be that person any more, the person who dwells on their regrets to the point where i hate the world for it.... i don't even want to think about all the things that i regret... not saying good bye or even hello! not saying I'm sorry when i knew i was wrong, or not standing up for myself when i knew i was right...
I regret all of the things that i have done to people over the years, all the bridges that i burned...while i was still clinging to the side...i was trying to be happy, the life of the party, smiles all the time, while inside i was just hurting my self more and more....then it started to show on the outside...and man do i regret that...just because i have to live with my regrets doesnt mean i have to dwell on them.
god...im always so down on myself...i dont really feel i deserve to be happy, i dont deserve this beautiful child, or my am zing husband....i dont deserve good feelings....everytime i start to feel good about anything something wont let me... maybe it is my mind fighting my heart....all i know is i have to do something before i bring me down....i smile on the out side...but my mind is mayhem.....

where do i begin?

I dont really know what i am trying to accomplish with starting this blog, maybe i am trying to purge myself of my demons....maybe i am trying to remember the things i have supressed for so many years...maybe im just trying to let go and let myself become a better person finally....it is going to have to be all three if i want to get any where in this short life we live....i have come so far already and i know that....but there is something eating away at my body, mind and sould and i cant figure out what it is.....maybe just maybe this will help...
I just want to appologize for the way i will be writing this, i will be writing straight from the heart and mind...no real punctuation just thoughts, memories, feelings...not correct grammer, or sometimes even spelling...just raw feelings...
I also want to appologize for any hurt feelings or hatefull feelings toward me for the things i say, this is my life on paper(more or less) take it or leave it......welcome to my mayhem......