I was so excited to be starting a brand new chapter in my life, well not only my life but ta huge change for lives of my son and husband, but I guess I got way to excited way to early. I dont want to say I jinxed myself but in a way that is exactally how I feel...I shouldnt have said any thing.... i shouldnt have even taken a test yet....but i did....and i knew from the first second....i was pregnant....now im not....and all i have are my own thoughts....most of which are against me any way... i know it wasnt "my fault" or anyone else for that matter but i can only blame myself....my body for not letting this baby grow.....i know there were probably "conditions beyond my control" but that isn't good enough for me.... i should be in control of my own body.....i knew you where there and that is what is making this so hard for me...if i would have just waited to test then maybe i would have never known....but i do know and it is killing me....
BUT!! I have an amazing son here with me and i need to think of him, its not good for him to see me sad, or upset with myself, so i need to stop....and hold in my feelings untill i can calmly dispose of them by myself.....
X-my mind is in mayhem-X
Theres not much to say. If I was in town I would track you down and give you a hug. Im glad you were able to write about this.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate the wonderful family and be thankful for your healthy son.
You dont need to push sadness away. Its natural. Find outlets for it. Writing is a great start. One of my best friends has gone through this three times. She has gotten a tattoo each time. It has helped her. I know people who release balloons on the same day each year. Find your way of coping, without bottling it up. And remember you are loved.
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