I was so excited to be starting a brand new chapter in my life, well not only my life but ta huge change for lives of my son and husband, but I guess I got way to excited way to early. I dont want to say I jinxed myself but in a way that is exactally how I feel...I shouldnt have said any thing.... i shouldnt have even taken a test yet....but i did....and i knew from the first second....i was pregnant....now im not....and all i have are my own thoughts....most of which are against me any way... i know it wasnt "my fault" or anyone else for that matter but i can only blame myself....my body for not letting this baby grow.....i know there were probably "conditions beyond my control" but that isn't good enough for me.... i should be in control of my own body.....i knew you where there and that is what is making this so hard for me...if i would have just waited to test then maybe i would have never known....but i do know and it is killing me....
BUT!! I have an amazing son here with me and i need to think of him, its not good for him to see me sad, or upset with myself, so i need to stop....and hold in my feelings untill i can calmly dispose of them by myself.....
X-my mind is in mayhem-X
